allezhop

I'm a former blogger and LiveJournal poster. (I was ddr_ho on LJ.... Man, I miss DDR.) I am a teacher who has cut out all social media, and am embracing the anonymity of DW. I'm aiming for a daily 'brain dump'—a space to process the beautiful chaos of teaching and the quiet work of rebuilding my life.

My topics are usually about finding peace after a stressful day in a 6th grade ELA/ESL classroom at a Title 1 school, my personal pursuit of financial stability and debt payoff, my journey with sobriety, and deep dives into the weird things my INFJ brain worries about.

If I followed you recently, I probably found you on a reading page from my circle or Latest Things. Also, I will follow back almost anyone (This "almost" covers toxicity and bad vibes).

I'm looking to build a small, supportive circle of diarists who write regularly and value the sense of connection and community on DW. If you're here to share glimpses into your daily life, I'd love to read! To me, it's the perfect antidote to polished social media.

Thanks for stopping by. :)

Current Mood: calm

I'm doing better but need to rest after every ten minutes of being lightly active. This morning I got a few chores done, then slept the rest of the morning. I'm going to try to sit up and watch TV for a little while. I just took a shower and did about 15 minutes of stretching, so this is the most active I've been consistently in days.

I opened up the trap I bought for TNR and I am not sure it's going to work. It was advertised on eBay as being for raccoons, but it's pretty flimsy. I may just shell out and buy the nice one the rescuers recommended. Even though I can rent from the place I have the TNR appointment, it's quite a drive. I like the idea of having my own. I don't know what to do with this flimsy one though. I might still use it for "trap training," where you put food in there without setting the trap, so they get used to going into it.

I'm really glad I cancelled the 2027 cruise for financial reasons, but I also miss the feeling of having something to look forward to. So I will see what more affordable, smaller luxuries I can put on the calendar - or maybe even start planning for the Alaska trip in 2033. The easiest choice for that is Nome, but I do like planning, so I can take time figuring out how to get there and how long to stay. And that doesn't cost anything!

Current Mood: tired

Good morning! I wasn't on DW much in the last few days before travel. Thanks for comments! Just a quick update before I embark.

Yesterday was a rough travel day: barely made it to the gate for the flight out of RIC, ATL flight canceled, to the new flight gate promptly then that was moved from A to D... I'm glad I'm traveling with my aunt, who is very chill (while I'm beating myself up about anything and everything).

Patting myself on the back for not traveling on the same day as cruise, because that would have been a nightmare.

Hotel is fab, though, and I'm enjoying their freshly ground coffee with a hot breakfast.

Heading to cruise at 11! 🚢

Current Mood: awake

I remember walking to school as a teenager and noticing an elderly man who watered his garden every morning at the exact time I passed by. I couldn’t imagine why anyone would be up that early if they didn’t have to. (I assumed a lot back then, but that’s sixteen for you.) Now, I’ve become that person. On my days off, I wake up before dawn to enjoy my routines and get everything done before lunch so I can laze about all afternoon.

(I don’t know if that man ever lazed about, but I certainly do.)

I don’t really celebrate holidays anymore. Since I’m usually desperate for downtime and a break from being around people, I’ve created my own solo traditions - like a Harry Potter marathon - and specific foods that I love. I’m content. In the back of my mind, I know there is always the option to start new traditions with friends who also don’t have local family if I ever crave human contact. So far, though, that hasn't been the case.

Yesterday, I made progress on my next video by recording the audio and adding the images. I’m not entirely happy with the audio, though; it dropped out in a few spots early on, likely because of how I set the noise filter. I might re-record it today, or I might just let it be. I want to create quality content, but letting go of perfectionism is often the only way I can create anything at all. It’s a hard balance to find.

In the afternoon, I spent a lot of time reading and did a DIY version of a vibroacoustic bed at home. I used a vibrating pad and binaural beats; they weren't synced the way a professional sound bed would be, but it was still deeply relaxing and meditative. (I incorporate meditation and self-hypnosis to all of these sessions.) I also watched Resident Alien. The end of season two is an improvement, but I’ve heard the final two seasons are very short. It’s a shame it didn't maintain the same excellent blend of comedy and characterization of the first season, but oh well.

So far today, I’ve finished my morning routine, done some gentle yoga, and taken out the trash. I tidied the kitchen a little, too. I still need to vacuum upstairs, but I’ll save that for later in the morning so I'm not being a terrible neighbor.

It’s a rainy day, so I’m tempted to just read all morning, but I think I’ll compromise by working on my video from the comfort of my bed.

Current Mood: productive

Man, the last few days I’ve felt like I haven't done much... but looking back, I really did quite a bit! I bought cruise cabin birthday decorations and first aid items at Dollar Tree yesterday morning, dropped off recycling, and had a lovely vibroacoustic bed session (even though the headphones were a little more staticky the last few times; I should really mention that to the spa). I’ve also been reading, exercising, and cleaning. And today, after already completing another round of chores and exercise this morning, I’m finally sitting down to work on my YouTube channel. (Selectively Frugal)

I struggle with feeling like I’m falling behind if I take a few days off, but the reality is that my goal is two videos a month, and I’m on track to hit four. I just need to stop being so hard on myself...

I recently signed up for a "holistic financial coach" certification on Udemy. It was only $20 and it's an accredited program. I’m a little skeptical so far because it’s mostly focused on active listening - though I believe the Dave Ramsey coach program is similar, from the quick peek I took at that site - but I would like to have any kind of credential before my channel moves further into the "financial advice" realm. And if it is mostly active listening, I have a head start on that with a ton of training from years as a 7 Cups listener.

Long-term, I’d like to monetize the channel beyond just ad revenue (and obviously even that isn't guaranteed). However, I’ve tried the blog monetization route before, and the sponsor/affiliate marketing world just isn't for me. It also doesn't feel authentic to me, and authenticity is a big part of the financial journey I'm sharing. I could, however, see myself doing financial coaching once I’ve fully gotten my own affairs in order and built a solid reputation.

Money and business thoughts often create a massive creative block for me, which has definitely impacted my workflow lately. While the certification is a good step, I have to be careful not to get lost in idealistic daydreams about the future. I need to focus on the reality of the process right now: create this video; complete this lesson.

It’s only 9 a.m., so even if I spend the whole morning on the video and a few lessons, I still have a free afternoon ahead of me. I’m looking forward to starting my traditional Harry Potter marathon and getting back into A Drop of Corruption. I spent hours reading yesterday, and it was such a good feeling compared to the 15-30 minutes I usually manage for reading daily.

Current Mood: awake

The pre-winter break "Teacher Fatigue" is so real right now.

Since last week, I’ve been battling this low-key "ick": a little bit of congestion, a general sense of being "crummy," and lingering exhaustion. Since I've been doing really well with routines, I might have tried to power through it, but right now, I’m trying to balance my energy as I balance my budget.

Yesterday, I planned to hit my home strength barbell routine. I finished the warm-up, but my body gave me a very clear NO, but I did pick up the barbell for a few squats before I listened- since the NO didn't stop.

Instead of giving up on everything and just playing my games in bed, I ran a load of laundry and spent five minutes on the dishes. These were small tasks, but they kept the house functioning without draining my battery.

After that, I prioritized a scarf I’ve been knitting. I had a goal to give a bunch of these away to my colleagues today, and I didn't want to push that to the last day before break. So, I gave myself permission to spend the afternoon and early evening in "recovery mode" - just me, my knitting needles, and the TV. (My colleagues were delighted with the gifts. :) )

I woke up this morning still feeling exhausted and a bit congested, but I made it to work. I do believe that if I had pushed through my workout and routine yesterday, I would be home in bed today. With the break just a couple of days away, I really don't want to get sick; so I'm feeling good about my choices to change things up.

Now I'm in my bolstered bed nest to blog and work on my YouTube scripts. I'm dead tired, so I will get up in a bit to shower so I don't fall asleep too early.

One more day!

Current Mood: exhausted

It occurred to me a few days ago that my aunt will probably be traveling with a cane, and when I looked up whether that could be a problem (it's not), I realized that a wheelchair might be a necessity at the transfer airport. Charlotte is a big airport (compared to the one we depart from): not L.A. big, but the gates can be pretty far from each other.

There’s no reason not to request a wheelchair or at least a shuttle between gates, since it’s free and would drastically reduce the stress and physical exhaustion on our travel day. We are arriving the day before the cruise and staying at a hotel, so I’m hoping Jacksonville airport will be easy enough to navigate to get a rideshare to the hotel. That won’t be a rush, but you never know with connecting flights. (Even with a 2-hour layover both ways, there’s no telling.)

I would call now, but I do feel like I should talk to Aunt K first. She’s a capable adult and I know in her shoes I wouldn’t want people to assume things about my disability. So I’ll chat with her tonight and see what she thinks, and then maybe call Delta (departure) and American (return) tomorrow after work.

Current Mood: curious

It was another snow day today, and I took another long nap. It feels so good; I could get used to this.

I like getting up early and getting a lot done: morning routine, cleaning, work on YouTube channel, read, exercise, knit. So even if I nap half the afternoon away, I don't feel like it's wasted time. I feel like this is how my life might shape up if I can ever retire.

I finished The Tainted Cup today, and loved it. I'm tempted to jump into the next one in the series, but I think it might be one I save for cruise reading. So I'm starting Onyx Storm. I told a friend that I probably wouldn't continue the series, except for the dragons. The Fourth Wing dragons, so far, do not disappoint!

I'm still watching Resident Alien, though I'm not enjoying the second season as much as the first.

It's 3:38,and I've been trying to wake up after a nap. I hadn't taken naps in a long while until Friday, and now I've had three days in a row of long naps.

It's been fine, since I've been waking up early, being pretty busy all morning, and then napping in the afternoon. It is hard to get up again, though, or even to think of reasons why I should. I'm very drowsy and not really motivated to do anything else... I guess I'll start with a shower and see if that helps.

ETA : an hour later and I opted for listening to the Once We Were Spacemen podcast with my eyes closed.... And opened for a few minutes while I played killer sudoku. I'm not feeling more awake yet...

Current Mood: sleepy

Okay, calmed down a bit after the rant - and worked out, really such an annoyingly good stress relief, even if my attempt was half-hearted today.

At work a 6th grader asked, "Do we have school tomorrow?"

"Yes, of course." She stared at me. "There's a half day between now and winter break, but there are three weeks until -"

"It's going to snow so much tomorrow!"

"No, it's really not. We will get a little tiny wintry mix before it rains all day."

"It's going to snow all day!" About this time, I realized she must be getting her news from social media or national news, not from local reports.

"It's going to snow far west of (our metro area)."

"We're in (names the school district)."

"No, I mean, the mountains and the midwest, nowhere near here."

She seemed betrayed by these facts. Girl, trust. If there was going to be snow tomorrow, I'd be very excited, too. But by 11, I knew how to read weather maps and the difference between the mountains and central Virginia.

Current Mood: amused

I just got home from work and had a note from my apartment maintenance on the door. I was pretty happy they came so quickly, until I read the note. "Water turned off under sink, shower works fine." Um, excuse me? Did I request the wrong thing?

I immediately logged in and read my request, and no, it was accurate: Category "faucet leak," with a specific description, "Kitchen faucet is continuously dripping." Why wouldn't I turn off the water? Where did I say anything about a shower? Goddammit.

I follow someone (povertytoparadise) on YouTube who lives full time on cruise ships. She was talking about how much freedom she feels after giving up the hassles of U.S. life and living on a cruise ship - which is a surprise to no one. Living on a cruise ship sounds pretty great, even if the quarters are small.

But she wasn't talking about the cruise experience itself as much as the routine of it. She has a structure that she follows every day, and there is enough variety to keep her from getting bored.

I'm not going to try to say my life is like a cruise (still counting the days to vacation - 42!) but I am definitely finding that as I'm getting more consistent with routines, I am feeling much more relaxed and enjoying the process. I also have cut out a lot of my wasted time on games after work, and with my workout at 3:30, I finally got to the point it does feel like I'm letting go of the stress of the work day. I have enough energy left to blog and work on my baby YouTube channel. (It will be a while before I link it. I almost like not having any viewers for now. I feel like once I build up a library of videos I'll feel more confident.) Even time for reading, knitting ... and that leaves the whole evening.

Even though I go to bed pretty early, I like having some chill time in the evening to watch TV. I think it's a bit more relaxing to my system than playing phone games and listening to podcasts, though I can't put my finger on why.

Anyway, it does seem to reduce the decision fatigue, and even though I had a few days where I crashed last week, it's not the daily habit anymore. I've noticed there's not much anxiety these days, even around teaching. And I have energy and am happy more of any given day than I can remember ... well, ever.

Last week my landlord sent out notice that power washing was going to happen in our apartment complex starting Monday, so we had to move any furniture or plants we didn't want to get sprayed with chemicals.

I worked pretty hard on Sunday, moving all my potted plants and stands inside (which I probably should have done anyway, since it's getting colder). I also moved a few of my large, year-round plants out to the sidewalk area (not blocking the walkway). These are super heavy and in large barrel-style containers.

I even had to tear a giant root off the butterfly bush that had grown right through the drainage holes in the barrel, which hurt my heart. I'm still worried about the chemicals affecting the plants, the other bushes, and the local wildlife. I know this is probably neurotic, but that's me.

So, I was really hoping for it to be over when I got home from work Monday so I could start moving things back, but no sign of clean siding anywhere near my building; there were even cobwebs hanging in the corner of the gutters. Still no sign of power washing on Wednesday. I guess it could take a few days for them to actually get to my section, but it is so annoying when apartment managers just say, "Starting on November 17," and don't give an end date. It specified my road, too, so I figured I would be one of the first ones finished.

Every time I get irritated about things like this I remind myself it would be much worse if I owned a house. I would have to arrange power washing, plumbing checks, and new electrical boxes - all things that I have had arranged on my behalf in the last few months. I do have a bad habit of putting off maintenance until I just can't anymore. So 1) a good reason not to buy a house and 2) a reason that I would have a lot of growth to do if I did buy a house.

Current Mood: annoyed

It has been a few weeks (or months?) since I watched much TV. I watched both seasons of Severance right around when Season 2 was wrapping up, then I watched Silo. Then I re-watched Severance while listening to the official Severance podcast. Oh, and I watched the new season of Only Murders in the Building as that came out. Definitely more along the lines of comfort viewing than Severance and Silo!

So mostly, evenings have been a mix of podcasts and silly phone games, and early sleep.

This week I listened to the first two episodes of the new podcast Once We We Were Spacemen, hosted by Alan Tudyk and Nathan Fillion. It's charming and funny, and hearing Tudyk talk about his series Resident Alien made me watch the trailer. I knew I had to watch it right away. The only subscription service I pay for is YouTube (because it's also my music service, no Spotify), but I have a friend who has a Plex server and it is on there.

It's such a great feeling to start a new series and love it immediately. It's such a well-written, brilliantly acted ensemble comedy. Alan Tudyk is hilarious and makes me laugh so hard with his physical comedy and the way he says things. The basic concept is, "Crash landed alien tries to pass as human," but even in the first few episodes there are such great twists and turns. One of my favorite things is the kid who can see his true form, because he starts out terrified, but gains confidence and the battle of wits is crazy funny. There is also some dark humor, but it wouldn't be fair to call it a dark comedy. It's just excellent so far.

I'm tempted to spend my weekend binge watching it, but I want to spend a good chunk of time on my creative projects first.

Current Mood: cheerful

Today my co-teacher was out, so she had a substitute. These tend to be hard days, and today surely was. They just talk so much and are so disrespectful ... It's frustrating. Also some kids were talking about me on group chat. I don't care what 11 year old kids think about me, but they are just so dumb! They KNOW I'm watching their screens using Hapara all the time. Or they should know, since I've been doing it every day since day 1 and it's November.

So my new after-work routine is working well for letting all that isht go. I have 30 minutes to eat ( food ) and enjoy silence, 30 minutes to work out, then this part with blogging and reddit post. After that, reading and knitting, then a chill evening with a shower and whatever... probably games and podcasts tonight. I'm also doing 2 or 3 minutes of tidying in between the blocks of activity.

61 days to cruise!

I worked hard on a reddit post with reference links yesterday, then deleted it because the title was wrong. Now I have to go back and fix that, but I think I'll just put 3 or 4 references at the bottom. I don't feel like doing all that work again, especially since no one is reading that sub yet. I think I'll aim for 3 posts a week instead of five.

Current Mood: good
Current Music: Good Time

I've noticed that when i get into a creative project, I start to get lost in the financial possibilities. It's been a long time since I wrote fiction, but when I started novels, I would usually get to a point that I'd start thinking about how this one might get an agent, and a publisher... and maybe this one would start the writing career that would let me live in a cabin by a lake and spend my days enjoying the writing process. It's really not unlike a fantasy of winning the lottery, but for me it's a lot more destructive, because it ends up causing friction with the actual creative drive.

I'm starting a creative project now that is about a cultural topic. I've started a reddit community with deep dive, analytical and data-driven posts. I'm also putting together a YouTube channel to do shorter videos about the same thing, and hoping to have them cross paths. I have started YouTube before, when I was doing hypnotherapy videos, but I never really set the time aside to make it successful, so I deleted it. I'm pretty sure the idea of how to make it a business also kept it from being a creative success first.

I guess it's not when I first start the project that I'm thinking along those lines, but when I've gotten far enough in that the vision starts to become clear in my mind. Something seems to shift from "hobby/creative outlet" to "potential income source." So the cycle goes: The excitement of the idea

\rightarrow

The calculation of the financial reward -> The anxiety over the long odds and reality checks -> creative block.

Financial stability has always had a strong pull for me, especially in the past when I was making very little money. I have a truly steady job now, and while obviously teachers don't make a ton of money, it's enough for me to support myself, and as I dig out from debts, I even have money to put aside - and even a little for vacations! (62 days to cruise!) So the financial pull isn't as much day to day survival right now, as it is a chance to build a 6-month emergency cushion. It’s the idealism of what could be, constantly being battered by the reality of what must be done.

My strategy for this, starting today, is to have two hats.

The Creative Hat: When I’m wearing this hat, my only goal is to produce content. This includes every step of the creative process: research, drafting Reddit posts, writing YouTube scripts, video compilation, editing, and even the technical work of channel descriptions and keywords. As long as it’s part of the creation of something that didn’t exist before, it is Creative Hat time, and money thoughts get jotted down for later.

The Business Hat: I will set aside a tiny, specific chunk of time each week, maybe 30 minutes, to indulge in fantasies about views, monetization, or how good it would feel to win the lottery and have an instant emergency fund.

This way I can stay focused on the process, and hopefully stay excited by the ideas that drive the process. I have no control over the outcome, so why let that stop me from enjoying the creative journey?

Current Mood: contemplative

This will be my "routines" icon, in case anyone wants to skip the repetive part of my routine review. I already have two apps I use to track, plus my paper planners - one for work and one for home - but I think writing out some reflection may be helpful, too.

Current Mood: determined

I'm not sure I can even write about half the things that left me feeling overwhelmed today. And coming home to another shut down/crash, staring at my phone all afternoon and evening. There were some good YouTube videos, including one about 9 habits for self-regulation of anxiety that I just finished. That reminded me of all the things on my lovely list of post-work self care that really do help when I do them. 😕

Oh, well... At least I ate nutritious food and spent time with my cat. And rested.

Oh, and had another morning where the small grey cat was friendly and I kept her company while eating. She's so small. I feel protective and want to bring her inside. I guess I could start making a plan, since it's really not safe out there. I did put the cat shelter on the patio this afternoon, so that's a start.

Current Mood: tired

I'm staring at my time planner app and it looks so reasonable. I could do my licensure coursework, exercise, clean my apartment, read and knit... And still have the whole evening free, practically!

So tell me why it feels overwhelming...? I cannot possibly do anything productive right now.

I had a good day, though: possibly the first enjoyable Monday of the school year. If every day was like today, I'd be pretty happy. It flowed well. My co-teacher and I agreed the class structure was good and the small groups went well. I even had a brief informal observation from the ESL lead and one of the people from district, but didn't stress too much. Just did my thing.

Co-teacher and I also talked about how much we like the kids in our classes. They can be squirrelly and chatty, but not disrespectful and combative. It's really the best experience I've had since I started teaching! Previous years, there was at least one class I dreaded going into - usually more than one. So I'm very happy with things today. (There will probably be another "I hate this job" day soon, though. It's just a lot.)

I guess I need to be more realistic about my after-work routine, though... I really want to have a restorative time *and* exercise, but I'm struggling with the execution - no matter how small I make the steps.

Current Mood: relaxed

In the summer I found mildew in my apartment and freaked out. I thought it was mold. It took days for the landlord to follow up, and after 2 inspections, I felt kind of brushed off with a carpet shampoo.

They never found what caused the water.

So, Friday I got messages there was a plumbing emergency and they needed to get into my apartment. I couldn't get in touch with them, so I left work early- only to find there was not water all over the place. When I called again, I got through. They said they'd already been in and everything was fine. OK, thanks for letting me know.

A few hours later they sent a text that there was a plumbing issue that "may eventually involve your unit." There will be visits sometime between Tuesday and Thursday to evaluate.

I get stressed out about maintenance and people in my apartment, and especially about the idea of relocating. I'm trying not to catastrophize, though.

At least I'm not the owner.

Current Mood: anxious

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allezhop

January 2026

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Recent Entries

Hi, I'm Allezhop! 👋 (sticky)

Rest/Recovery

(no subject)

Steady on

First Monday of Winter Break

I forgot to post this. Back dated!

Travel Plans

Snow Day 2

Sleepy

Kids, man.

(no subject)

The Freedom of Routines

Landlords bug me.

Viewing

Wednesday but when it's Monday

Financial Fantasizing Friction

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Today was a lot.

It's all good.

Plumbing - Glad I'm not the owner.